My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
