I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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