Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
