I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
