Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Randomize
