I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
