So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You made out with two different species that night
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
