Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
