You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
