you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
