It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
