How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
