just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
