It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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