Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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