Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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