The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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