You smell like stripper and shame
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
not ubering you a puppy
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
