Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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