so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
