He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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