Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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