Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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