I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
