Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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