Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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