I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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