just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
