i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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