The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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