dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
