I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
