I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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