wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
