I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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