this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
