well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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