I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
