Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
