In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
