im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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