Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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