new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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