I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
