True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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