I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Fuck appropriateness.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
