got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
