Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
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