We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
