The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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