so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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